Today is my one-year anniversary with Seto. We got to sleep in, spend the day together and he took me out to Olive Garden for dinner. As my gift to him, I even went all-out geeky girl and created a special modded version of our Blade Symphony map just for him.
But this post isn’t for me to sit here and rave about how supposedly perfect our relationship is and has been over the past twelve months. It’s not for me to pretend like it’s all been a cakewalk and nothing at all has gone wrong. I certainly could do that…but it would be going against my efforts to start being more honest with myself. No, this isn’t a way for me to try and convince everyone that I’m in the best relationship ever. It’s a way for me to say “Thank You” to someone because I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to convey the depth of my gratitude face-to-face.
Since Day 1 you’ve always been there for me. Despite the fact that I was honest with you about my past going into our relationship, I still don’t think you realized to what exactly you were getting yourself into. To simply put it: the crazy runs deep. I have a lot of issues, some as a direct result of my past and some that were always there and just made worse by my experiences. These issues affect nearly every aspect of my life from how I see things, to how I get along with people, to how I can or cannot put my trust in someone.
Because of this—and I’m sure it’s something you’ve noticed—I tend to always be on my guard. It’s not because I’m waiting for you to do the same things people in my past have done, it’s because I’m waiting for me to be the one who screws it all up. If I’m 100% honest with myself, it’s something that I’ve been waiting for all year long. Because to me that’s what I do: I screw things up.
And I have… I know I’ve upset you. I know I’ve disappointed you. And I couldn’t blame you for a second if you’ve thought at times that this isn’t what you signed up for…because it’s not. Nobody should have to sign up to take care of the basket case girl who can’t get her act together.
Just like everyone else in my past, you’ve continually pushed me forward and urged me to work on these issues. Just like they all could, you can see how miserable I end up making myself and how it branches out from me to those around me. But that’s where the similarities end.
For the first time ever, I’ve met someone who gets that this isn’t an overnight process. I’ve met someone who didn’t walk away when the issues didn’t flip off like a light switch. I met someone willing to go out of his way and do things I know he didn’t want to do in order to try and make things easier on me. I met someone who didn’t try and use my issues as a weapon against me. Someone who was willing to sit and let me at least try to explain why I was feeling and acting the way I was instead of just yelling at me because I was behaving irrationally. I’ve met someone who has truly shown me that I can and that I really, truly do want to be better; not just for them, but for me as well.
You’ve been so patient with me, so understanding. When it feels like the world is falling down, you’re the one who is there to show me that it’s not…that I’m just letting myself get the better of me. I can, and will be a better me because you lend me your strength when I have none. Yet I feel like I don’t necessarily deserve it. In my mind, it’s almost as if I’m being rewarded for doing things wrong. I screw shit up and in return get this amazing boy who is willing to do whatever it takes to make me smile again.
But each and every road bump makes me that much more determined.
I will prove to you, to the world, and most importantly to myself that your faith in me is not misplaced.
That is my promise to you.
I am a better person now than I was a year ago because I met you. And despite what may happen in the future I will be a better person a year from now than I am today, just for having you in my life. You mean the world to me and I will never be able to thank you enough for everything that you’ve done and continue to do in order to help me become the person we both know I can be.
I love you Seto, with all my heart,